So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
