She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
