I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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