i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
