dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
