Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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