I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
