i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
