I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
