I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
