I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
