we're blogging at a bar
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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