saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
