In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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