White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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