I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
