i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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