I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
