taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
