I molested 6 butterflies tonight
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
