if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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