Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
