apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
