I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
