Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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