college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
