You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
