Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
