I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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