The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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