I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
