I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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