I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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