Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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