I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
