Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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