Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
