If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
