sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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