guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
