i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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