put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I puked a lego.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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