Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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