I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
