I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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