is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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