and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
did i walk over a car last night?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
