i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Randomize
