I just cut my nipple shaving
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
