Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
