ya dads aren't the best wingmen
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
