why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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