apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize